Guard of the Goodies

This is my first Christmas that I have had to go through being gluten free. I have a new title. Everyone in the office has soon realized that I won't over endulge in the office goodies since 99% of them have gluten in them. So where do they end up, at my desk.

A year ago if someone told me they were going to put gluten bread, cakes, and cookies in front of me I would have told them they were torturing me. Today, it seems so normal to give up so much. It actually makes me appreciate the fact that I am not adding all those extra calories on my behind.

Oh believe me I have found all different ways around that gluten torture to enjoy gluten free treats. I haven't lost much of any weight, in fact sometimes I wonder if my body has really readjusted and those calories I do eat are now just adding up some other way.

I feel like I have really gone through a transformation of some kind where I was so desperate several months ago to where everything just has a clear definition and I accept that.

Now if we could just get a clear definition on the rest of my problems. New Year's resolutions are around the corner.

My Christmas List

During the Christmas time you can become very materialistic. You realize your children and grandchildren are extremely materialistic and even though this is the holiday of Christ’s birth and the reflection of that meaning, it really is the holiday of what Christ and God gave to us. So in the spirit of Christmas, I must reflect on the things that I appreciate the most, mind you they do have some materialistic value, but would I have them without God blessing me with them, no. So as Julie Andrews might say, here are my most favorite things:

1. God (don’t you always have to account for him, or you wouldn’t have the other 49 or more items)
2. Husband (don’t you always have to account for him, or you may not have the other 48 or more items)
3. Children (don’t you always have to account for them, kind of that “unconditional love”)
4. Grandchildren (don’t you just have to account for them, just because they are so dang cute!!!)
5. The rest of the family and relatives, (don’t you just have to account for them, because the other 49 items wouldn’t be able to appreciate you).
6. Good Friends (especially the really good ones they help you appreciate the entire 50)
7. My bosses (without them everything wouldn’t exist)
8. House (i.e. view)
9. Glaus Bakery (esp. Chocolate Rum Cake [now gluten free])
10. Perfect semi-warm ski days, with perfect cold snow, with perfect technique to get down the hill
11. Traveling
12. Beautiful Drives (before the gas crunch)
13. Lazy wintry days, (ok lazy any days)
14. Oprah
15. Turquoise blue skies w/a red sunset
16. Tear jerk movies with buttered popcorn and diet coke (any time “Life is a House”)
17. Breakfast of Champions (Dt. Coke & Donuts (had to change that just recently to gluten free)
18. Restaurants with unbelievable food
19. Baseball games with a cold beer and hot dog (okay maybe once in a year with gluten)
20. Family history that lead into great stories
21. Christmas decorations & lights (lots of lights)
22. St. Patrick’s Day (only holiday you can count on in making you happy, and don’t have to do anything for)
23. Parades (where people can reclaim their youth for just a moment)
24. Impressionism Art
25. Chocolates (Cummings please)
26. Great Music
27. Photos (especially old ones)
28. Going to a spa for a total treatment (I know miracles can happen)
29. My Dreams (no reason for living without them)
30. Talking to my husband, kids, and grandkids on the phone.
31. A real good laugh
32. Knowing I can learn something everyday
33. Halloween at my office
34. Money (I won’t be shy about saying that, it can make you happy)
35. Hot air balloon shows
36. Ethnic carnivals
37. Payday and especially bonus day at my office
38. A good book
39. Casual parties with my friends and a great Manhattan in hand
40. Zoo
41. Beautiful hotels (if you can’t afford to stay in one, check it out anyway)
42. Architecture (love old buildings with great architecture)
43. DVRs (the greatest techno invention ever made)
44. Internet (what did we do before it was invented)
45. Clean house definitely with clean windows
46. Lagoon or Swiss Day caramel apples
47. Cemeteries (go ahead and ask me)
48. Horoscope, end of the full Moon & psychics
49. Absolutely beautiful perfect weather days in my yard (w/no yard work)
50. Last, but definitely not least, my SPYDER on a perfect day.

Like the ghosts from the past and the future, I will revisit this list next year.

Hopefully Santa can bring some things on your list, because I already have my filled. Thanks Santa.

A Recipe of Thanks

Yes Thanksgiving has come and gone. My husband and I always have quiet holidays just because I realized that when I was my children's age it was always so hectic to run from in-laws to parents to other grandparents etc. So it isn't easy giving up my children and grandchildren for holidays but you readjust and you see them in calmer circumstances. You get off of the pity party of not being with them and you just enjoy the day of not having to be at work, not to have to work to entertain others and just enjoy your day. It actually turns out a little selfish when you think about it.

Well this is the first year that I really had to think what am I going to eat for Thanksgiving. Two of our friends and us would go to a local bar in town that had 5 star rated Thanksgiving dinner for free. It was the Bar's way of thanking the community for supporting them.

During Thanksgiving we all live in a state of "you should be thankful for the things you have." Even though in so many ways I have shown through this blog the ways I have thanked God for different issues in my life, you still do think, what am I thankful for on this particular day.

Yes I could go through all the traditional thank yous, my husband, my kids... and undoubtedly they are thank yous in my life, but I am not going to.

You know what I am going to thank God for, is the knowledge in cooking and baking. After taking a few cooking classes and listening to my youngest the fact she doesn't know how to cook, I am amazed that people do not know this. Didn't their mothers teach them how to cook. Truly, but when I think about it my mother even though she cooked every day, she really didn't teach me either. Of course I dabbled a few times in baking cookies or other things, but my mother really didn't teach me, she just did it. I guess she figured I would learn by osmosis. My first husband stupidly said he loved rice and gravy that he use to make while he was on his own, and so guess what he got for at least several months after we got married, Rice and Gravy.

It took many years and several children and circumstances for me to feel you need to learn and so I guess I just started reading recipes and of course like any great cook, I burned a lot of dishes.

Still to this day I don't think I cook or bake real well and I am always amazed when something I actually cooked comes out really good.

Since this year I can't go out and enjoy 5 star food without picking through the dressing made out of bread, I will stay home and make my own dressing. I will make my own gravy, and desserts. It didn't take the celiac for me to learn how to at least try to cook and bake something good. It took a life time of trial and error.

So God, thank you for helping me along that path, I might not be the greatest cook, but I am okay and that's good enough for me.

Back To Normal

I have been having blood tests run about every six months just to check my celiac level and my fatty liver. I intentionally made sure I was very aware of my intake of any kind of flour prior to having the tests. With a few mishaps which always seems to happen when it comes to doctors, I had the tests run and yes "I AM NORMAL." Everything is down to normal. I am so excited. If I could just get my stomach to get better I would feel perfect. I don't think normal people realize how big of deal this is. My count was 120 and now it is down to 20. That is a big deal and a lot of work.

Now if I could just give up all of the sugar I would happy.

Oh Whoops

The stomach is still one of those, did I eat something wrong or different, did I drink to much, did I exercise in the wrong way, to almost to the point of did I sleep the wrong way. Somedays it can be just down right miserable. Everyone asks if it is the celiac or the wheat and I have to keep repeating myself "no, it is when I ruined the lining of the stomach by eating to much pain medication. You wouldn't think it would be that big of a deal. Ask anyone that has done the same thing, and they are still having and will always have problems.

Well one quick way of throwing your whole system into a whack is to drive out of your garage in the dark, with a very dirty car, with no garage lights on, with your husband's car in the driveway. Now you wouldn't think those things would make your stomach sick, well all those scenarios is a perfect storm. Crunch, I don't remember that snow behind my car, then you realize, oh whoops, you just hit your husband's car. Now this wouldn't be such a big deal to some, especially to a husband that has a car that has 250,000 miles on it and has a few scratches on it already. My husband takes every little ding to his cars, no matter how many miles it has, very personal. Knowing also my husband he wouldn't really care about my car, the brand new one, just his car and what he will be seen in. Now mind you we also have a perfectly good Tahoe in the garage, that no one drives, with no scratches on it. Hmmmmmmmmmm, what's wrong with this picture.

So in the dark I am driving to work horribly upset, not only for my husband's reaction, but what did I do to my new car. By the time I got to work my stomach was about to explode. After several pills later, and trying to calm myself down and several hours later, my stomach wasn't perfect, but it was a lot better.

I think I need to get rid of my stress.

Freezer Floweith Over

I have especially realized over the last several months that my freezer is getting way to crammed. I have two fridges with two quite large freezers and both of them are ready to burst.

When you become gluten free, you realize if you are ever to eat again, it won't be in a restaurant, but of the results of your own hands. Well with the life span of certain flours and especially the cost associated with each one of those flours, you don't want to take the chance of one of them going rancid. So what do you do is put each one of them in a freezer container to be stored in your freezer. With several different containers you have at least 1/4 of your freezer taken up just with mixing ingredients for future baked goods.

Thanksgiving has just come and gone and with the leftovers, I have become more creative. I think in the past I would have froze some for future sandwiches, but with the lack of interest in bread, I had to come up with ways of saving for inventive taste buds. So what came out of it, was turkey pot pies with a cornbread/Parmesan top crust and a white turkey chili. I think both of them are going to be great for the future.

The other part of my cooking for the season turned out an abundance amount of different kinds of cookies. Some with wheat and some without gluten. I knew I wouldn't be able to eat 2,000 cookies and I really didn't want to save them already cooked so I froze a lot of dough, and I mean a lot of dough.

The other big thing that is taking up my freezer is soups. With the cold weather around us, I thought what would be great for quick but hot meals. It turned out about 10 different kinds of soups, but when you make a whole recipe of each one of those soups, it turns out several cups in different size containers totally taking over your freezer.

Sometimes I wish there was a good will for frozen foods, because right now I could donate a ton of food that I am sure someone would appreciate.

At least we will be good for the winter.

Separation Between Heaven and Earth

Now before you think I have lost it, and I am giving my predestination of going to the other world, I really am not. I also can't see to the other side either, so believe it or not I am not a psychic. After watching a numerous amount of shows I am not sure I want that power, but it would be interesting for a day, maybe that is how I would win the lotto.

I have to drive up and down a canyon to go to work and sometimes, especially with the change of the seasons, I will be in the canyon at the right moment when the sunset or sunrise aren't quite a sunset or sunrise. It will have this iridescent hue on the walls and I feel like I have gone into the Twilight Zone and no one else is quite there with me. My surroundings seem so unreal and even though there might be cars and activity around me its like I am living in a movie that really isn't real.

I know that this must be that mere, maybe 5 minutes of the day that God really wants us to wake up and he'll say "yes this is what I created, pay attention." I am sure God wishes we woke up more times than just the 5 or 10 minutes each day to really realize of all the beauty on this earth, including ourselves was created by him and that we should take care of it.

Since I got sick I have realized not only the advantage of how healthy I really was before, I could eat anything and never have a problem, until now where some days I am not sure I can make it through the day in some of the pain I am in. God created us and this earth so we could know the difference between good and bad in all things. I definitely know when I am feeling really good. I am definitely not advocating suicide or even the intention of suicide, because I truly believe that we must live out our time here on earth to know the good, you may have to go through the hell to get there, but there is good around us. But can you imagine that mere 5 seconds that it will take to pass from this world to iridescent heaven above, where there is no pain, where there is no thought of wondering if I am going to come on to evil or suffering anymore, but only joy and a peace.

I bask in that 5 minutes in the canyon when the opportunity hits, because I know God is watching and telling me "wake up and appreciate it."

Where has all the Summer gone?

It has been one year since I was diagnosed with several of my ailments. I swear it was just yesterday. I look back at this last year and I realize so much as gone on. From throwing up constantly, wondering if something was extremely wrong with me, to taking a multitude of tests, to thinking am I going to live on this diet, to traveling and eating, to now.

The winter is now coming in, most of the leaves at our house have gone off the trees, and the color of gray has transcended on our house. There is a mere month between fall and winter that really isn't anything. I know it is one of those seasons, but for me it is a state of hibernation. The ground has no snow on it to ski with, but the skies are always threatening. That is when the fireplace comes alive, the books come out, the movies are played and the blankets become a welcoming comfort.

I use to hate that month, it seemed so nothing, so daunting, but as I grow older I have found that I am not physically able to keep up with everything. I am not old enough to sit in a chair, but I am not young enough to keep up with everything, which in the end makes me feel guilty of not physically doing more. This month allows me to just do whatever I want and not feel guilty at all since the weather is dictating to me that it is uncooperative.

But what happened to this last year. When your life is so busy, it just passes so quickly. Old people say life goes so fast, and I can now believe.

RECIPE HORSE

Some women are Clothes Horses, they obsess over having clothes and the variety of clothes. I have become a Recipe Horse. I kind of hate cooking, I kind of hate looking through endless recipes in cookbooks, but I started a new fetish out of mere necessity of being gluten free.

This weekend is going through two things in my house (since it is bad weather), one, my closest, since I haven't had time to keep up on the maintenance of my clothes and the weather has turned cold, I need to go through it and check to see what I have to wear for the winter, plus discard all of my old clothes to good will. Two, my recipe folders. I truly need to go through it and throw away recipes that I have collected, either the ones I have tried and they were bad, or I haven't tried and they just need to go away.

I have also become frugal, not to the point that I couldn't throw away old food, but I feel so bad that I wasn't paying enough attention in my kitchen to either eat the food I made or at least save it in the freezer. I had a huge freezer once and it turned into the freezer burn Mecca of my cooking kitchen. I learned having a huge freezer is subconsciously waisting food that you don't pay attention to. It is like having a file box that you use but never do the filing. Everything gets lost and then obsolete or misplaced. No one should have either one.

We have two fridges. If I ever build again, I will definitely have two fridges and two ovens, plus a warming tray in my kitchen. Two dishwashers sound really good too, but sort of impracticable for two people. An installed deep fryer sound pretty good too. Back to the fridges. We have two fridges that have a third of the appliance as a freezer. I try to cook and shop to keep a good supply of meats and baked goods in case I need them. You never know when someone is going to drop by and you need to entertain. But they are small enough that I tried to go through the entire freezer before I start stocking it again. It's amazing the cookie dough that gets placed in the back, or the appetizers someone brought to your last party that never got ate.

Okay, okay, back to the recipe thing... A friend of mine told me once she was having the same problem so she will think of an ingredient that's in her fridge, google only the ingredient in some of these recipe sites and it will pull everything you can make with that one ingredient. Since my necessity and frugality have hit a crossroads, this has become a new thing everyday at work. I think I have a quart of cream I bought out of thinking that sounds really cool to have in your fridge, and then truly what do you do with heavy whipping cream. It's amazing how many things cream goes in once you start googling it. This weekend is corn tortillas. I absolutely hate throwing out old tortillas, guess what TORTILLA SOUP.

The moral of this story, don't get carried away with recipes due to one ingredient sitting in your fridge that will end up in your freezer with freezer burn on it, because you are going to have to throw it away in six months anyway.

The Freezer's End.

It's o-Kay

I talked in a blog a few back of a friend that became sick with cancer. Her friends were told about a month ago that she had cancer, but some of us were under the assumption she would have more time than a month. She died on Friday, 7:30 a.m. from a very aggressive cancer. This blog is about me being sick and how I am relating to it so I don't really want to stay on the subject of my friend's cancer. I don't even want to reflect on my own ailments. I just want to make a tribute to a dear friend that I have lost.

When you go through something like this, for some reason it really doesn't matter what anyone else has gone through, they might relate, but death is such a personal issue to each one of us, and it hurts. I feel bad that I won't see her smile and be able to talk to her. I feel bad that I didn't say enough while she was still alive. That I took so much for granted. I knew the day would come that one of us six would get sick and die, I am just not ready for it to happen so young and so early.

This woman was 59 years old, not old enough to die and surely not old enough for me to let her go. She was a perfect friend. Not only was she there to help answer questions, but she knew the right questions to ask. She always showed up with a smile on her face no matter what her problem was that week. She was not only a super friend she was a super human being. She had the kindest heart. She was a good employee to all of her bosses. Not only was she super to me, but her family was her life and she would do anything for them. She has lived through a lot in her life, but always had her chin held high but not high enough to not do anything for anyone.

I too have gone through a lot, but as I was mourning my lose, her personality kept resonating through my thoughts and I kept hearing myself say this pain will go away and I will be o-kay one day. I will get use to not having her around and she will be a really good memory and not as much hurt. It will be o-kay. Did I say her name was "Kay."

There aren't many like you Kay and I will surely miss you. Until we see each other again, thank you for the memories.

Husbands

When you put a husband and wife together, you truly have to remember that they came from separate lifestyles and worlds. My husband, as sweet as he is, does have his drawbacks. His mother (heaven forbid that I would bring up his mother's name) was raised off of the farm. The food they had is what they grew, so spices and incorporating different elements into a dish was not heard of. He became the posterchild for meat and potatoes. Anything different he scoffs at.

Now then there is me, I also came not essentially from a farm, but my mother never learned how to cook so we too did not incorporate too many spices into our cooking. But over many years and experiences I have learned good cooking takes incorporating a lot of ideas: spices, cooking procedures, and so on.

Now what unnerves me is, my husband and I do travel together, we don't do extensive traveling, but for either business or other personal reasons we have stayed in a variety of B&Bs, we have gone to fine restaurants, we have pretty much run the gambit of fine dining. Every time we do go into one of these establishments, and especially in front of other people, my husband will sit there rant and rave about how good the food is. I wonder if he does it just so that his money is worth more than just the food.

Since I became celiac, my whole life has turned upside down. The unusual is now my normal. I cannot go into any restaurants and just order anything because it might have flour in it. My husband is highly sensitive to this as well. As you can see he immediately told me to get all flour out of the house. So for me to eat out it is not the impossible, it is just the complicated that I don't really want to deal with.

So day in and day out I search for good and easy recipes that both I can eat and my husband can enjoy. Now mind you when I said his Mom cooked off the farm, well obviously she taught him not to say anything once he finished a meal in less than 10 min. I wonder if he thinks I am his mother.

So for example, after all day searching for a recipe while I am working, I run to the grocery store, spend $100 that I don't have readily available, run home, throw it together as fast I can so not to inconvenience my husband's eating timetable, (mind you he doesn't help in the kitchen), put it in front of him after he keeps asking is it done yet, watch him gulp it down and then leave his dirty dish on the counter on top of the dishwasher which he could have put it in, walk out and barely get the words out "thanks for dinner." He did respond as I am doing a s___ load of dishes in the sink, "are you going to eat." Now what part of this did I not get the impression he thought the wonderful, very delectable homemade tomato soup that I just put together, wasn't Campbell's soup out of the can!!

Husbands.

It is so good that I am really doing this for myself, and he happens to be reaping the benefits of at least having his belly full.

How Sick Are You Really

Well after a summer full of traveling, eating and drinking in weird places, my stomach has taken a toll. It is not so much the celiac that is the problem, I believe it is the food that is full of fiber that I shouldn't eat that creates havoc with my stomach.

Just recently a good friend of 35 years was just diagnosed with cancer. I have lived with cancer in my family and all around me, but not as close as this one has taken. You expect your parents to die and so when my mother contracted lung cancer, I just thought it was the evolution of life. But when a good friend of mine does, even though she is about 7 years older than me, I realize how unstable life can be and it could have happened to me.

Yes she did smoke, yes she definitely over ate (like the rest of us), and yes no exercise. One minute I would see her at lunch vibrant and within a couple of weeks, she looked so sick and withered it was a shock. There is hope that she will recover, I guess there is always hope as long as you are alive, but I fear the worst when the doctors told her that it is in her bones, lymph nodes, and in her lungs.

I don't smoke, but with the new outstanding problems that I have, I truly need to start taking care of myself. I know I will die one day, and I am truly not afraid of it, but I guess the withering and being so sick really bothers me. I would rather be hit by a car, struck by lightening or some instantaneous means of dying than lying in a bed with very little hope and the eventual death, while my family and friends watch me wither away.

There is a good side to lingering, you do get to say your goodbyes, but is there a justice there while your appearance and your behavior is deteriorating your family and friends really want to remember you that way. I don't know I guess I will just have to leave it up to God.

A psychic told me once that I will live to be 80, so that is what I am planning on.

The World Is Evolving Around The Stars

I know I have complained for several months now, but after traveling again for another weekend, and now to San Francisco, I realized that restaurants are becoming more and more aware of the allergic reactions to people's eating habits.

The movie stars do have a definite say in things. It seems the new thing for them is going gluten free. For a long time now vegans have had a say in menus, but now since the movie stars are going gluten free, then everywhere you go, it seems they have a gluten free menu. It is sad that so many common people have had to suffer and it takes a movie star to bring it to the world's attention.

We never had a problem of asking waitors if certain items had flour or gluten in them. Even if they don't have a menu, they all seemed willing to try to figure it out.

Beyond making movies that I love watching, thank goodness to the movie stars and their efforts to this issue.

Sad But True

I now know why doctors say do not go gluten free unless you have a medical problem that needs it. After 10 months of pretty much being off of any kind of gluten, I am slowly gaining intolerance to something I have ate all of my life, so I am sad. I am afraid that one day even a drop of gluten will make me sick.

I know my doctor would hate me saying this but I sometimes slide in something with gluten to just have it and actual taste again. I am sure I am doing harm to my body, but I wonder what is worse, being sick from not having or being sick from having it. Oh well.

Amazing

I haven't said much about being gluten free that is amazing. I have been going to some cooking classes to enhance my knowledge about the different flours and other ways of cooking. I had my daughter's wedding reception on Friday and this class was Wednesday. Was I pushing going so close to the reception? I was so mentally tired from everything that had happened in the last month, I really didn't care if I was pushing the envelope. After getting there I was so glad I tilted the scale and went.

What was on the menu was cinnamon rolls, chocolate eclairs, chocolate chip cookies, and crap cakes. Gluten free flour is so hard to work with because it is so soft. Bread dough is the consistency of cake dough. Which means there is no kneading because you wouldn't be able to even get on the table without it falling off. I was curious to see if they were going to make the cinnamon rolls the same way as all the other gluten free manufacturers and just place them in muffin tins and call them rolls. Our teacher was amazing. She was able to teach us how to place the dough on a greased plastic wrap, and roll with the tool of the plastic wrap. She had previously played with the flours enough to know that sweet sorghum flour would enhance the bread more than any other flour. The end product was amazing. It tasted just like a real sweet roll. I hadn't had one of those in months. As soon as I have 10 min to my name I am making them. They are easy to freeze and just pop in the oven.

The next thing on the list was eclairs. I hadn't had one of those either for months. It was so good.

The chocolate chip cookies were so good. They truly were better than toll house. The total flavor was just really satisfying. I sometimes wonder if when you have done without for so long and you know what the good thing taste like that even when you have a really good product but not quite up to the wheat par if it does taste better than the real thing or it just seems to be better. Oh well I guess I will never know.

The best part of the whole night was the crab cakes, now anyone can make a good crab cake and even a gluten free crab cake, its the exact bite and mix of sweet and spicy together that makes a good crab cake. These were perfect.

Again since I don't take pictures because these would have been amazing, you will just have to use your imagination of how amazing they all were.

Sometimes being gluten free isn't half bad.

A+ Test

I am so use to going to a doctor's appointment that should only take 10 min - and why, oh why does it take half of a day. With technology these days, the doctors have gotten so lazy that they handwrite notes on lab tests, send it in the mail and with the huge amount of delay you get this handwritten scribble that you can barely read telling you are going to die. Not really, but it almost seems that way. Can you believe it that my doctor called within 24 hours after having a massive amount of blood tests taken. I thought I was surely going to die.

She first started off by telling me that my celiac blood test was "still quite high." Now there isn't much that I have successfully done in my life, but I was quite shocked when she said this since I have been so very good in not eating gluten. I told her that in the last six months I probably have eaten, maybe and I am probably stretching it, probably six times some gluten. She then responded in a shock manner that from the reading I was still quite high.

I asked her again what the count was on the blood test, and she responded 33. Now my mind is definitely going and I couldn't remember what the previous gluten count, so I asked. After looking through my records, she noted that it was 122 at the beginning of this whole episode. Now I am not a brillant person, but I do sort of know how to add and subtract. Isn't that like 89 points.

I asked her what is normal and she said 19. Now again I say I can add and subtract. Isn't that like a 14 point difference. Now which one is better 89 point difference or 14 point difference, hmmmmmmmmmm.

I did admit to having four thin slices of pizza two weeks prior. I broke down when I smelled the very familiar aroma coming out of the oven and since I was so hungry, I had to endulge.

She said that the gluten can stay in the system for up to three weeks and that I needed to be more careful.

Now I am sure as a physician she needs to warn her patients of the foreseeing dangers, but right now I felt pretty DAMN happy.

She also informed me that my liver count was back to normal. I know I should still be as concerned about one aspect of my health as much as another, but knowing that my liver wasn't going to die, I felt pretty, even more, DAMN happy.

After relaying this story to a friend that has a husband with gluten intolerancy, she said "that physician probably didn't even take into account that you probably have never been to a count of 19 since you were ignorant of the celiac disease for your entire life, she should be pretty happy that you finally after all this time have brought it down to 33." It put the whole thing into prespective.

Even if the doctor doesn't want to give me an "A" for effort, I sure in the heck am. I have worked really hard to stay off of gluten. Anyone that has never sat in a wheel chair might want to do it, just get the true feel for it.

Camping in the Wild Kitchen

My friends and I went camping. I was in charge of the breakfasts and I thought should I make them gluten free or should I go the conventional way and adapt only my plate into gluten free.

So I took gf pancake mix, bread, cereal mix and cookies. That should cover a weekend. It was perfect. The first breakfast I made was stuffed french toast. I did take along regular french bread for them, but had my bread to adapt the recipe to. Everything tasted wonderful.

The next breakfast was totally gf. I had a breakfast scramble. I fried up some hashbrowns along with some onion. Fried up some bacon. Then I flattened out the hashbrowns in a big skillet, layered tomatoes, cilantro, bacon, scrambled eggs w/milk, and cheese. It was perfect. The girls loved it, and I was happy it worked out as well.

The next morning I heated up leftovers, and of course toasted some of my gf bread. The bread I found was really good at Whole Foods. It was called Canyon .... something. It was great and it looked and tasted just like the real stuff.

My gf cookies were Cowboy Cookies. The flour is of course gf oats, with peanut butter as the base. Then you add of course other things along with chocolate chips, M&Ms, coconut, and raisins. Everyone loved them.

The cereal mix was made with Rice Chex, coconut, and almonds with a corn syrup/sugar sauce.

My friend brought corn tortillas for the fajitas she made. My other friend made her meals simple enough that they really didn't have gluten in them. It was all very very good.

I am getting better at this. I am still trying to expand my recipe collection, but at least I can get through a camping experience without feeling left out.

BIRTHDAY CAKE!!!!!!!

After my cooking class I decided to go to the recommended stores to buy some supplies for my kitchen of gluten free items. I don't know why people think if they offer organic items that gluten free items are just going to be there as well. There were some items that I did need, but when I went to check out I asked if they had any gluten free pastries. They didn't even have anything in their freezer like Whole Foods had, but he did say that one of the muffins ("one of the muffins" what a joke) was gluten free. Trying to be the great patron I said "well I'll give it a try." I got out to the car and the muffin was so hard I think a baseball would have been softer. I broke off a piece and put it in my mouth, it tasted like cardboard with bird seed on it. Do they not try these things out or do organic people think the harder, the sicker, the most tasteless item is, the best for you. What a f..... joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A friend of mine brought a gluten free birthday cake to me, she said it was the best she had ever tasted. I took a bite of it and wanted to chuck it. If this was the best I just don't want another piece of cake in my life.

After the last two disappointments, I ran home and told my husband that I was going to make a few things, take them into these places that sell this crap and say if you really want some good food, call me.

I had blogged earlier that I was going to go to my favorite bakery and order my traditional cake and eat the entire thing with flour in it. Well I called to order and I just happen to ask if they make gluten free cake and they DO! I am so excited. Tonight I pick it up and hopefully it's going to be goooooooooooooood.

Wait for the update, I just want one thing that I don't have to make that tastes good. PLEASE

The Butt of the Joke

I just took a trip with my kids to Yosemite, now mind you this was going to be a fly in for one day and out the next. It turned into a "four day tour" on a deserted city in the middle of no where. Fresno isn't the ultimate city. It is a migrant farm city with a lot of run down areas. But we immediately found conveniently off of the freeway, their mega shopping area. It had every restaurant and shopping store under the sun.

We immediately headed for lunch and of course me trying to work with the menu at Marie Callendars I ordered a tuna melt without the bread. That became the theme for the rest of the days, "Mom's ordering a sandwich without bread, what's next pizza without the crust."

It's okay, one day these kids are going to look back when they get my age and think of all of the jokes they used on me and think I am now in that position. You will be ordering oatmeal without the oats, so there. Who will be laughing last.

Cooking with a Friend

I had gone to lunch with a friend when I told her that I had taken my first gluten free cooking class and I was about to take another. She wanted to go even though she wasn't gluten free. I thought that is a friend to go spend good money to go to a class you don't relate to was truly being a friend.

By the time you spend three hours with people that you start liking you wish it didn't end. Or you wish the same people would sign up for another class with you. But knowing my friend was with me it was really fun. We laughed and flung gluten free dough around the room together.

The class was again informative of the flours and how they would react in your hands and while cooking. We made the first macaroni and cheese that I actually could tolerate. The best dish was a tomato tart. It was really good.

It soon dawned on me with a slip of the tongue from my friend that even though these were good items to eat, it still didn't taste normal. After 50 some odd years of tasting the real flour bread and pie tarts, this was pretty bland. The realization of going through all of this effort and it still taste sub par was going to be my challenge for the rest of my life.

The Consolitation of Friends, NOT

I soon realized sitting in a room of 12 women that I was getting old and my friends around me were getting as old or older. Not that I don't want to be there for my friends, especially in the time of need and health problems, but I didn't have my feet in the door when everyone's health issues come flying up. I didn't even want to convey my problems, they had enough of their own. I am sure it might have made them feel better if we had compared notes, but if I had I would have to recognize that I was as old as they were and I didn't want to walk that road.

When you are young you visualize when you are old, sitting around with your friends, talking of ailments, doctors, tests, and treatments. All of a sudden one pinochle game turns into the old age ward in some rest home. I love my friends, but I think I need new young vibrant friends, that will encourage my well being not compare my ailments.

Happy Birthday To Me

Since November 2009 I have struggled with the problem of a fatty liver and a gastritis stomach. Once I hit February and learning I was CD I struggled with the gluten free issue. The GF issue sort of jumped ahead of the stomach and liver problems. It was hard and disappointing. Sometimes seriously depressing and discouraging. Now that several months have gone by I have realized there is life past the death of the pastry. But in trying to compensate for that death I was substituting with really bad eating. I found every chocolate candy bar that didn't have gluten in it, which was really bad for the liver. Even though I knew I wasn't to have corn, any ..."itos" did not have gluten in them, so I overindulged in doritos and carmel popcorn balls. I snuck berries that I knew were horrible and were like sandpaper to my stomach lining. It seemed like a consolation for no pastry.

Several times my stomach would feel bloated and the liver bulging out my side. The pain would be so intense I could hardly get to the bed little alone stay in the bed. I have realized that I can't just take care of one issue and not the other.

I have gained all the weight that I initially lost when I first got sick. Even though my legs, arms and face seem like they haven't, my waist has grown back to where I can barely fit into my pants. The doctor said if I gain my weight back or any additional weight back, my liver would get worse to the point that it would be serious enough to either be cancerous or diseased.

Emotional jolts sometimes don't come all at once. The realization of me being sick is very evident. The want of doing something about it has been a long hard struggle. When someone has said they have seen the light and changed their ways, it seems so simple and so easy to do for them, but not for me.

I am truly surprised of how determined I have been about going GF. In the last several months I truly think I have only had very few occasions I have eaten gluten and usually it has been accidental, not intentional. I think it is the thought that once I go on the strict diet for my stomach and liver, it really eliminates a lot of my food. It would be easier to just eat baby food and eliminate all real food out of my diet.

Who would think a bowl of strawberries would make you double up and almost cry out in pain. They seem so innocent of wanting to make you healthy but in reality your worst enemy. It seems the less fiber I take in the less tolerant I am to that fiber, almost like the stomach is becoming atrophied towards it. I am afraid one day I won't be eating anything out of the mere fear of being in pain.

My birthday is coming up and at first I thought I would take a gluten free cake into my favorite bakery and ask them to frost the cake to look just like the cake I use to eat, but I have now come to the conclusion that I am going to buy a small cake and just go through the pain and agony of eating it and trying to enjoy every last bite. We will have to see, Happy Birthday to Me.

The Hostess for the Mostess

I finally threw my first full party since being on this diet. I had baked enough to know I could make a couple of dishes and get away with it, but didn't know if they would like it.


We were hosting the neighbors behind our house for their brand new baby. They are world travelers and workers. Both of their mothers are either into catering or really good cooks. I was a little worried, but I knew they would be gracious enough not to be criticizing, but very thankful we threw this party.


So I tried to plan a tried and true menu. I made quiche with a hash brown crust, corn pudding, zucchini a gratin, french toast casserole, and blueberry coffee cake. I had assigned out to two friends, potato casserole, fruit, turkey sausage, bacon and ma moses.


I hate living up to the Jonses, and two of my friends are the Jonses. It wasn't good enough to ask for the potato casserole that I absolutely love baked by my good friend, she had to have it garnished so it was beautiful. Who makes casserole's beautiful? Then my other friend had to show up with a platter that was bigger than the whole table with the fruit garnished with edible flowers. I am lucky to know the recipes, get them out properly and make them taste good little alone make them beautiful. Whatever to you Jonses!!!!!


Everything on my side of the menu had to be gluten free because not only am I CD, but my other friend was CD. Which meant for everyone else to eat my cooking I had to make sure it passed the gluten test of tasting good. I used breadcrumbs I made from gluten free focaccia from Whole Foods in the zucchini casserole. I used a small portion of Pamela's flour in the corn pudding. I used Udi's bread in the french toast casserole. I made the recipe on the back of Pamela's flour for the coffee cake replacing the nuts and raisins for blueberries. It turned out so good people were raving. Sometimes you can't believe the raving, you have to wait for the tail tail signs of how much food was actually left behind. For 12 people and 9 dishes, most all of it was eaten. I loved it.

I love breakfast and particularly I love brunch just because everyone is so hungry by the time you eat it, it tastes so good. One day I would love to have a restaurant that makes a GF brunch that I could dive into and not pick apart by what I can and can't eat.

A Reprieve

I took it really personal that I wouldn't be able to cook or bake again on a normal basis when I started this. I was going to conquer my fears and I was going to accomplish baking like no other. Everything was going to taste great and maybe even better than normal cooking and baking.

In the last several months I have tried several things, some have turned out and some haven't. I have turned down parties to go to because I knew they wouldn't have anything there for me to eat. I have avoided certain restaurants because I knew it was going to be a bigger trial than I wished. Almost every weekend I have tried to take the task of baking something, usually two of the same item, to taste test on. I have eliminated a lot and still I feel I have just nicked the tip of the iceberg in dealing with my eating.

This weekend came and I really had to take the time and effort to talk myself out of baking anything. It took me 50 years to even learn how to cook or bake something on a normal basis descent enough to eat, and now I have to change everything that I learned and redo it. Of course the usual baking principles apply, it is just the ingredients and what it is going to turn out and taste like in the end. Someone told me that it wouldn't be such a drive, if you knew you could do it and there was no determination of achieving normalcy all over again.

I had lost about 20 lbs when I had to go on the diet for my stomach and liver, prior to my CD issues. Since trying to gain that normalcy I was eating a lot of baked goods with who knows how much sugar were in each one. My pants were feeling a little tight.

So this weekend came and since I had no company to cook for I tried to play the rainy weekend, slow, no clean, no cook, no get dressed, no do anything weekend. So I read my book, watched movies with my husband, did a little yard work and tried to not think, I could be in the kitchen trying to make "normalcy".

I am still reading recipes and staying in the mind set, but I had to have a reprieve from my diet. I wonder if I will ever feel that normalcy again.

Blooming Days Ahead

I realized half way through this adventure I was going to have to cook and bake for myself for the rest of my life. So guess what I did, I decided to do a garden. Because I live in an area where there are a lot of outside creatures that eat my garden I have designed half of it indoors and half of it out of doors. The herbs, tomatoes, and beets were put inside. We have found that the tomatoes and beets are immediately eaten up by the small animals. The outside garden has carrots, radishes, turnips, peas, squash, leeks and green onions. Other than the carrots, I have not grown the rest so we will have to go by trial and error with the animals. How much could I lose, $1.50 for a packet of seeds and still end up buying the vegetables that I would have done if I hadn't planted the garden - hmmmmmm.

I will have to update you on the progress. I would like to one day plant a huge garden that I know that the animals would not touch. I don't mind feeding them, but I would really like to feed myself first.

Leftover delight

I blogged last friday about how I was going to use up all of the leftovers in the house. Well we didn't quite make it since I didn't have enough eggs to keep the mixes going. But I did use two recipes out of my first cookbook, "Baking GlutenFree", by Rebecca Reilly. There are two banana bread recipes in the book. One had a small amount of banana in it and the other had four times as much. The one with the large amount of bananas had less ingredients and less seasonings to it. I for sure was thinking that was the one that was not going to taste as well. It was wonderful. The other one that I thought was going to taste better tasted more like a grainer spice cake instead of a good wholesome muffin.

A friend of mine that was trying to cook through a cookbook showed me a cool trick of putting stars and notes next to the recipe. I don't know why it just seems sacrilegious to put notes in a brand new very clean book, even if it is a cookbook. I have this problem that the recipe has to be really bad for me to throw it out. Which in turn I collect a large amount of recipes that I am not sure if one was better than the other. I am soon going to start throwing out recipes since my shelf has got somewhat overloaded.

I did get rid of the stale oranges, bananas and apples I had in the fridge.

I Will Survive - Creative Baking

Okay I must admit I have been only GF for a couple of months. I actually love reading all of the great blogs out there that have been in this problem longer than me. It truly helps. It still doesn't solve a lot of my problems, the frustration of eating out, the frustration of failed cooking and baking items, the frustration of having to look at labels on a constant basis, just the basic frustration of knowing I will have this for the rest of my life.

But I am getting better where if I am sitting in the restaurant I have come down to an acceptance point of knowing 99% of the menu I can't have. When I am in a grocery store I look past all of the items that I use to love, and just accept they are never passing my lips again. When there is a party to be had, its going to be at my house, because it is easier than dealing with someone's very conscious or unconscious effort to please everyone including me in the group.

In the last several years, of course like everyone else, money has been really tight. I refuse to go into debt because it is too hard to pay it back. So I have tried to make every drop of liquid, every morsel of food, and every ingredient last as long and as creative as possible.

My daughter has been living in my basement apartment. Now I don't mind this until I see her wasting food. So who stole the bananas from the kitchen down below, I did!!! So this weekend has been dedicated to creative baking. Even if they are failures at least I tried and didn't just throw away the bananas. I must admit I have way past due oranges and apples, so who knows what will become of them.

My one daughter said Mom you didn't eat this many baked goods before you went GF, the other daughter retorted back to her, "mom just wants to be able to know what recipes are good and what will work for everyone that comes to the house."

I am quite surprised that instead of going against GF and just eat whatever I want inspite of the pain and agony, I have stayed with this diet. I truly intentionally have not had any gluten since the beginning. Now I will also admit I have gone off of my other diet for the stomach and liver a few times, but I am trying. I am also surprised that I have taken this as a challenge and actually tried to make my cooking and baking better. It has been hard.

I will survive.

Mother's Day What A Feat

Mother's Day was never one of my happier moments. When the kids were being raised I had to constantly fight to have my children. When they got older I relied too much on them to be the ones, grown up, to just show the appreciation that I guess I remember me doing for my Mom. Of course I only had one Mom that didn't have to competite with an overdemanding stepmom.

Several years ago I actually tried to test my children in allowing them to plan something for me. It turned into somewhat of a disaster. I swore after that I would no longer have a mother's day it was too painful. I even swore I would leave town so I didn't have to feel so bad.

This year I took it as casually as I thought I wanted it. I didn't even think about it. Friday before that Sunday came and my oldest said "Mom, me and the kids would like to come up and see you for Mother's Day tomorrow. I thought great, its going to be one of those we are going to show up and you either spend the money or do the work while we are their visiting.

By Friday afternoon I had to really step back and try to think this out. My oldest daughter is a very good Mom, she has three little ones that are very good children. She has just gone through a lot regarding medical and financial bills and so to ask or to assume anything more would happen was wrong of me. My youngest hasn't been lucky enough to be a Mom yet, but I wanted her to be part of my life for one very pleasant day. The year before she wasn't even talking to me, so this year was a celebration that we were back together. If it meant me pulling it together like most Moms would do, so be it. Motherhood sometimes seems so painful, but I wanted my daughters around to celebrate Womanhood.

I initially said to my oldest that what I wanted was to go shopping and maybe out to lunch. I even had to re-evaluate that as well. Why go shopping when none of us had any money. Why go to lunch when most menus didn't really facilitate my diet, and then I would have to juggle three little ones in a restaurant and pay for it all too.

So I started whipping together all of my recipes. Knowing my son-in-law wouldn't be there, why not pamper my daughters and I and give to them what they really like. So we had a mini gourmet lunch just at home.

Seafood cocktail
Butternut Squash Soup
Stuffed Porkchops/Applesauce/grilled Asparagus
Upside Down Pineapple Cake
Chocolate Cupcakes for the little ones along with chicken nuggets/yogart
(Did I say it was all gluten free)

They loved it and seemed really appreciative of me doing it. Sometimes you have to work at being a Mom just to know they love you.

I would have loved having my son there, but again I know that he is busy trying to provide for his wife and child. I will soon have to call for lunch with him when he isn't so busy.

Rolly Polly

When you get to my age, your life is a bunch of memories, some good, some bad, but their my memories. Today I remembered a big memory.

My first husband and I took the kids to a buffet. We won't mention names of the buffet, but in the interior it had these long conveyor belts that came out of the kitchen and into the main dining area. They would have different items on each conveyor belt specializing in a certain food. Salads were on one, meats on another, etc.

There were only a few families in the restaurant. We noticed this large family sitting across the way. When I say large, I didn't mean in number of members, but we did notice they had quite a few members in their family as well. Now mind you my husband and I were not heavy at all, unlike what I am now.

After we had our fill we started to leave and one of the kids said they needed to go to the bathroom, so off we went. When we got to the hall where the bathrooms were, there was one of the children from this family laying in the middle of the hall rolling back and forth, screaming "I ate too much." Now mind you this child that was around the age of 8 was as heavy as I was at the age of 25. I swore to myself that day I would never have my children or I ever look that bad and never would they roll in the middle of a restaurant screaming "I ate too much." Until today.

I have learned over the last several months with physical problems of my stomach, that if I eat one spoonful too much I swear I am just going to lay down and start screaming. Today I went to Taco Bell, had two hard shell tacos, then I went to the grocery store, had a handfull of candy, by the time I got back to work I thought I was going to start rolling at my desk, screaming "I ate too much."

Moral of this story, only eat as much as your stomach will hold.

The Power of Food

When life isn't just going your way at work it can be quite a low self esteem moment. I had been working with my present job for close to 12 years, 35 total years in my profession. I am not old by any mean, but I sure the heck not immature and young. I have learned from the best and had to deal with the worst.

A couple of months ago about the same time I was getting sick one of my bosses decided to leave. He was such a great boss. He was willing to treat me like a teammate and encouraged our conversations personally as well as on a professional level. Some bosses do one or the other, but usually not both.

I had also been working with three other bosses for the last 11 years. About the same time I lost my one boss, I gained another boss. He seemed extremely likable, but he wasn't going to be like Tom. I soon realized his manner with me was more on a professional level than ever a personal one, I appreciated that. I don't encourage personal aspects in my job, it's nice when they treat you as an equal even in their personal life, but it isn't necessary.

However, soon after he arrived I realized the guy was psychotic. He was mean, and rude even on a professional level. In my 35 years on the job, I had never been treated that meanly from someone other than one person and that person would have had me fired if she could of. I knew this gentleman didn't have decision regarding my employment with three other bosses in front of him, but he could spread enough gossip to make other people not trust me.

He fired me over the smallest little thing, I sweat the big stuff and when he did this, I knew he was psychotic and that it wasn't me.

My other bosses had wanted to take me to lunch for staff appreciation week. Even though in the past I have really appreciated this week. My office does make us feel like we are part of the team. They do want us to know we are appreciated. Knowing that most of the festivities are around food and most of the food I can't eat, I was not excited about this.

My senior boss asked if he could take me to lunch and I had already contemplated just telling him "no," but I didn't. Two months into this GF issue I had done my research and realized the number one place that I was dying to go to with a great GF menu was PF Chang's. I immediately piped to him I want to go to PF Chang's. Now he has never seen me so determined about a restaurant. He immediately gave me this smug answer "gluten free must be the new fad these days." I wasn't excited about the food issue that I have had to dance around with every restaurant, now I had to deal with a nonsympathetic unknowledgeable boss. I was dreading the whole thing.

The day came and my boss seemed all of sudden very receptive to my GF issues. Not only was he receptive, but he encouraged everyone that went to order off of the GF menu so we could all share. Even though AGAIN GF was the subject of lunch, that food was amazing. I had not gone to a restaurant that was so great with their menu, their staff, their answers to GF, with just about everything. For the bosses to not only be acceptant, but also encouraging, plus a fabulous restaurant, it made my whole two months of dealing with this issue.

I will be returning to PF Chang's real soon.

It's a Full Moon

The chinese people are extremely superstitious to the point that if you spit a different way it means something totally different. My kids and husband laugh at me only to the point that I do believe in the full moon. It's never just a "full moon", "it's a full moon." You ask what's the difference. Just saying a full moon is identifying the planets. Saying "It's a full moon," means you better beware.


There is a turning point in the full moon when everything is going wrong and then it turns and starts looking your way. This day was definitely that.


I got up ready to go to work and realized April 29 we were in a blizzard at our house. It was horrible. I watched the news and found out that the freeway had had a major car accident on it and the only way to work was on this freeway, past this accident. So I decided why sit on the freeway, since the news was going to go for a little longer, why not wait and watch the news for a break not only in the weather, but also with the cleaning up of the freeway.


After an extended 45 min, I thought I must make a go of it, but stupid me, once I got to the backlog of cars and no more exits for about 10 miles, I realized I had no gas. So since the freeway was now a parking lot, I turned off my engine, and started to get very nervous of the fact I had no gas, no way of getting gas, stalled behind an accident and also in a blizzard. Could I pick a better moment.


When the cars started crawling I thought how bad could it be for me to not turn on the engine, but put the car in neutral and coast down behind the semis. Did I say this was in a canyon with a 7% grade downhill. Yeah! At least I knew there was a semi in front of me that would catch my fall, but I also knew there was a semi in back of me that could have squashed me into a little pancake.


Once the traffic started up I turned on my engine and started cruising when within a few minutes everything came to a complete stop with cars flying every which way to avoid another accident. It was scary. This happened another two times, riding on fumes until I got out of the canyon, but still in a blizzard.


I immediately headed for the nearest gas station (2 hours later) and called my work to ask if it was snowing there. Disappointingly "no." Come on, they have to feel some of my pain.


I arrived at work a little before 11 and at 4:30 headed home an hour early for a cooking class that I had signed up for at the high school. A friend of mine had suggested me taking the class since it was specializing in GF. I was thrilled. I had a list of questions.


In any new class you enter apprehensively, "is the teacher going to be good, am I going to like the other classmates, will I learn something beyond what I already know..." I first arrived not knowing where the class was, but as luck would have it I met a teacher there that walked me down and around several stairs and floors until we arrived at the class. Two students, I didn't think I was that early, I swear to you the registar told me that the class was full, oh well. I sat down right next to the couple and thought why not be yourself, you can only irritate them and then never see them again.


I noticed immediately there was goodies on the table. I must admit that prior to arriving at the school, I wasn't sure if this was a demonstration cooking class, a hands on, or just what it would be like so I stopped off at the nearest gas station for a few swedish fish and a chickstick. I hated to go three hours without anything in my stomach and with this stomach you couldn't just go through any drive thru so candy was going to have to do. I immediately saw two beautiful blueberry tarts (I love blueberries), cream puffs, and an onion dip that the teacher immediately encouraged us to share. I now regretted that last swedish fish.


I hate the old cliches "I bonded with my new mates of common interest" "I felt a kinship." blah blah blah. But what I found was an interesting group of 15 people totally enjoying the night. We learned new tricks of the trade of cooking as well learning new recipes for GF.


The best part of the night was, I didn't have to explain my feelings or needs to someone that didn't know. For months I have sat down at different dinners, with a variety of groups and it comes up every time all the questions, the concerns, and exhausting explaining. On the other hand this group just knew. They all were willing to learn along with me. They knew my questions to the teacher were not stupid even if they knew the answers already. They were willing to inform me and were allowing my naive questions and answers to flow. Knowing I may never see these people or the teacher again it was easy for me to be myself and enjoy the conversation.


Kelly Corrigan that wrote the book "Lift" explained that morning on a news program that the book told about sometimes your life is like a hand glidders that use the turbulence of the air to seek a path to a peaceful flow. That is what today was like. I knew if I just got through that canyon I would find my peaceful flow somewhere. I found it in a small community ed cooking class.

My BFs

My husband and I took a little trip to Idaho to see our good friends Wonda and Kenny. Because my husband and I are quite ornery, we have very few friends that we could call really good friends. But the friends we do have are great.

Our friends from Idaho have to go 1 1/2 hours to pick us up from the airport, and then of course drive back 1 1/2 hours to go home. We think it is a lot to ask from friends that have to cook and clean their house for guests, little alone pick us up.

When we got to our friends' home Wonda informed me that she had been researching on GF, and had bought a few items for me to try out. I was so thrilled to think someone would think of me that far to try to help.

I told my 30 year old daughter how kind Wonda was and she said "that is so sweet, she has to be your new BF." It struck me so funny and juvenile and so now I refer to Wonda and Kenny as my new BF. Not like they haven't been my BFs for 20 years already.

Thanks BFs for my great weekend it made up for the bad secretary week.

GENIUS IN THE MAKING

For about two months all I have done is looking on the internet for information, recipes, and other things to help me improve. So today I got my first cook book "Gluten-Free Baking" by Rebecca Reilly.

I have decided that one day I am going to actually do the Julie/Julia movie and go from the beginning of this book and cook straight through it. Her intro was so inspiring but so intimidating. To know that you are suppose to sort of bake from instructions of a person that was raised by bakers, that she went to how many schools to be as good as she is, and I am suppose to pick up the book and try to even resemble something out that book is quite intimidating.

I would just like to cook graham crackers like she did. That is one thing I haven't really found is graham crackers. I am sure there are people out there that have actually found things to replace the norm items in the kitchen, but I am still in the making of finding things.

She made her own filo, now come on, I can barely make it to the freezer aisle in the grocery store to find filo already made so all I have to do is put filling in those little tiny pieces of pastry. For me to actually make filo, that would be something.

Stayed tune Rebecca, it might be Becky/Rebecca tuning in.

NOT EMBARRASSED, JUST TIRED

Every year secretary appreciation week comes around. I use to brag to my daughter of how fun it was. Everyday we would get special meals or treats and usually a nice gift. Since the economy bottom out, the office has tried to cut back, but they still tried to make it special.


Several times in the last couple of months I have felt a great satisfaction of myself that I have really tried to stay on these diets. I did slide on my stomach diet when I realized I got celiac, but I really felt a great pride of doing as well as I have.


Monday came and they had a office breakfast. I immediately asked a co-worker what they were having, and she said fruit and muffins. Fruit is out on my stomach diet, and muffins are out on my CD. I knew this might happen so I brought my own breakfast of peaches and my homemade coffee cake. I actually felt like it was probably better than what the office was offering.


Tuesday would be coming with an office luncheon, and another co-worker asked if I was going to go. Of course since I had been calling restaurants before going to them about their GF menus, I called the lady that was planning the office luncheon. There was only mashed potatoes on the menu that I might be able to eat. She kept questioning if there was something she could order for me instead and all I had was visions of all the questions that everybody was going to ask when they handed me my breast of chicken without all the sauces.


I think this was the first time I actually had a breakdown of what was going on in my life. I couldn't tell if I was embarrassed or if I was pissed. After going into the bathroom, and having a few tears I realized I was just tired of trying to put up with the menus, put up with the hassle, put up with the questions from everyone, just put up with the whole thing. I wasn't irritated to just bail, but I was irritated that even the slightest deviation from the norm was going to cause a stir of questions and explanations. I have to keep reminding myself that I can have something better tasting somewhere else. That I can reward myself in some other way. It was just the fact that I am no longer the norm. I didn't care about any embarrassing factor, I was just irritated that I have to do it in the first place.


After leaving the bathroom, I calmed myself by going to another co-worker, who is worse off than me and listening to their sad sobe story to pull my head out of my own ass and realize life is good.

Every day is an up or a down...

Every day is an up or a down and you hope its not both on the same day. Unfortunately sometimes you get both, oh well. The weekend was spending cooking, baking, and more cooking and baking. My husband is never sure what is going to come out of the kitchen. I don't know if I have already told you that I try to starve my husband so hopefully no matter how the dish comes out he is starving enough to just eat it.

I had my grandkids for the weekend and I was determined that I was going to please them, and I was going to try to please me. So I had my recipes all lined up and ready. What do I do as soon as I picked up the kids I headed for KFC. I haven't had KFC in months. When I first had my gall bladder out, the first thing I got sick on was KFC. The grease hit my stomach and I had to live in the bathroom for days.

I got there and immediately asked if their grilled chicken was made with flour. They assured me that it was, I just couldn't do it. I had two tired hungry kids in the car, and one tired hungry husband at home, so I just went ahead and ordered it. By the time I got home I was so hungry I wolfed down the chicken.

While I was at the doctor she gave me the things I could and couldn't eat list. One of the things that I had been eating was catsup, mayo, mustard, and many things that had distilled vinegar. Who know that distilled vinegar was processed with wheat. I became extremely sad. I felt like I was sort of getting a handle on it. I felt proud of myself that I actually was sticking with this diet as well as I had, and to eliminate one more thing was going to just send me over the edge.

I immediately got on the internet the next day and the American Dietitian Association said that distilled vinegar was being taken off the list because it had such a small amount of wheat in it that it shouldn't give you problems. The blogs from other people with really bad celiac said they still have problems. But since I didn't have the bathroom problem like so many others, I felt like I just had to add that back on my do list. So while I was at KFC I ordered potato salad knowing that it might be bad, but at least it could be worse.

The weekend was going to be pizza crust demo day. I was going to make two pizza crusts and have my husband, daughter, and son-in-law taste test so we didn't make anything repetitively bad. Unfortuantely the one they chose was the made from scratch version. I kept saying to my husband I don't even like pizza, so I think I will finish out the ingredients for him and leave the pizza to Papa Murphys and he can eat alone.

The rest of the baking was great coconut carmel brownies, along with a coffee cake to die for. The ups are when you feel that even though you can't have this or that, you can always feed your desire in some way.

Inside the Confessional

Okay today is April 14. I have been in this mess since late August. I had my, who knows how many doctor appointments, today. We went over all the tests and discussed what my options (which were none), and how I was going to deal with my diet for the rest of my life.

Why do we always look at our doctors as being our priest or confessors. So of course I started confessing all of my transgressions. I am sorry doctor for I have sinned, I had a carmel popcorn ball for breakfast for almost everyday for the last month. I know I went over the edge, but someone's got to do it, so why not me. Sorry doctor for I also had candy after candy after candy for Easter and knew I was doing wrong. She immediately informed me that sometimes you have to have a carmel popcorn ball in times of stress, just not every day and maybe not even once a week. She even confessed to me that she had a few for breakfast in her life.


The doctor answered my questions, and a lot became clear. I won't be eating much of anything for the rest of my life. Oh well, I had 52 years of eating anything and being abusive to myself. Just like all the books and internet blogs, they are very optomistic. So right after the appointment I drove down to Williams Sonoma and bought popover pans. I was determined to make every gluten free recipe under the sun and try to disgard those that I didn't like and repeat those I did, just like I was eating everything normal. This was my new normal.

I had found a popover recipe and ran home and decided I was going to make them. For looking slightly different, they actually tasted pretty good. I of course should have made some berry butter to go along, but the regular butter was going to have to do.


I decided everything goes better with a little butter. No doctor I am not having a lot of butter, just a little. Yes I am going to try to stay on my diet.

BON APUKE

I have always believed that husbands are there for one basic reason TO EAT WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE WON'T.

Over the years I have learned a few things in cooking, but you would think by the time I am 50 I should know the basics. I swear I am going to go back to cooking class before I die. The chefs on the cooking channels make it so easy.

I will now confess, I hate the stringy hashbrowns, but my husband loves them. So every once inawhile I feel like I need to make them just to please him. Stupid me. So I fried up some hashbrowns the other day and I don't know if it was the type of potato I used or what, but they turned this horrible gray color. I have since learned from recipes on the web that there was probably too much water in the potatoes when I started cooking them.

My husband loves pancakes. I knew if there was one thing my husband was going to suffer from when I took over this new diet of no wheat it was going to be the wonderful pancakes he loves. I trusted in the brand "Pamela's" for a no wheat pancake mix. I used this brand for other items and I thought they were going to come out not gritty in anyway.

So I fried him up some eggs, cooked up some hashbrowns and baked up some pancakes. He would never ever said anything bad, but I immediately could tell from the way he was chewing that he thought I had gone out to the garden for worms and dirt. Actually the pancakes had a better taste than some pancakes I had made in the past, but not as light and airy as others.

Oh well, you win some you lose some. Bon Apuke

BLOATING WE WILL GO

I have been skinny 2/3ds of my life, until just in the last 10 years have I had this problem of gaining a lot of weight. I contributed it to my hestrectomy I had 10 years ago. I also contributed it to bad eating habits and middle age. But I am starting to wonder if it wasn't my digestive issues along the way.

Since I went on this no fiber, low fat, no wheat diet, and particularly eating a lot less in a meal, I have lost some weight. My pants fit a lot loser to the point of annoying me when I stand or walk. I actually have ankles and hands back where before they were like cankles and whatever you would call budgy hands.

I am sure the weight is basically the water gain. I do know when I have eaten something really bad, my stomach feels like it is going to explode under my skin. My waistline seems to have grown several inches within a matter of minutes.

I have to keep in mind the reason why I spent so much money and time with doctors in the last several months. It is for me to understand and restructure my life so that I do feel better. Sometimes I fall off of that wagon, but for my health's beneft I need to get back on and eat what I should.

A COOK I AM NOT

My daughter the other day said to me at the age of 26 that she didn't know how to cook. Now admittedly I can take some offense to that since I am not a real good cook myself, but knowing that most of her growing up years she lived with her father and step-mother, I am again blaming the stepmother.

But I have now realized that my life is sitting on the computer looking at every recipe that I use to order in a restaurant. I have realized the limits at restaurants of only 1 to 2 gluten free items. It's discouraging when you look at the menu and realize all the food you use to eat, but can't anymore.

My mother wasn't the best of cooks either. She made very few dinners really good and she never went beyond the meat (usually hamburger), potatoes and vegetables for dinner. It must be a depression thing. Spices and sauces were definitely not in her kitchen. So guess what I have to do is to teach myself.

Every chance I take I grab my daughter and I am trying to teach the basics to her along with recipes that I want to try. Food from restaurants that I use to love are first on the cooking block.

My daughter said maybe this was a good thing. Maybe it was an opportunity to make yourself healthier than you have ever been. I would like to think there is something good that comes out of this, if nothing else they can put on my headstone "she was a great cook" even if it is a joke.

CONTINENTAL

I have to explain my husband, I love him to pieces, but he is a man through and through. His mom knew only so many dishes to make and he was raised basically from the ranch, meat, potatoes, vegetables, and bread with strawberry jam. He has expanded out to rice over the years, but not much from there.

The funny thing is, he proclaims himself as being a modern kind of guy. When we have stayed in B&Bs or gone out to the nicest restaurants, he always seems to enjoy any particular food item placed in front of him. Do you think it is just because he is paying for it.

I can make the exact same food, put it on a plate (without white linen or silver serving pieces) and he hates it.

When I found out about my disease he immediately said, get the food out of the house that is going to hurt you. I was apprehensive about that notion, but I did what I was told by my faithful husband. I soon regretted being so agreeable. It wasn't for the food I was going to miss out on, but what he was going to miss out on.

My husband loves spaghetti, so I bought the rice noodles and thought how bad could this be. I was told by several websites not to over cook the noodles. So I followed the directions, brought it to a boil, waited the appropriate time and then tested one after another noodle to see when it was "el dente." I washed the noodles out and it looked like a concentrated ball of glob. As I was serving them, the noodles started falling apart and turning into pieces of rice. Lucky for me I bought spaghetti sauce that tasted extremely fresh and so it sort of deflected from the blob underneath.

For Easter I realized we could either go out for Easter brunch and be bugged by everything I wasn't sure of, or knew I couldn't eat or just stay home. So I chose to stay home and try to whip up my own Easter brunch. I had french toast casserole, corn pudding, and egg quiche in a hash brown crust. Afterwards I asked him how it was, he said very "continental."

Every week I have been trying at least one dessert either made by scratch or by a mix. Most of them haven't been so good. So last night I whipped up a strawberry clafoutis. You might ask what is a clafoutis. Well I asked the same question. It is like a cake and a custard with fruit in it. Of course I was going to use my gluten free flour, and splenda instead of sugar. I don't think it was totally the ingredients, but the flour tasted fine, it just wasn't sugary enough.

My husband loves strawberries so I thought for sure he would love it. It doesn't look like strawberry jam that comes right out of the store, but he kindly said it tastes continental. That was like saying it is okay, but not.

I think because my life is turning into more of an experiment, my husband in just him saying continental means he is trying to take it in stride where before he wouldn't have even taken a second bite.

Right now I really love my husband, he is so continental‼!

SOMESTIMES IT PAYS

Since this is my diary I guess I can talk about anything, but I will try to stay on the subject at hand. I would really like to vent about how bad drivers can be in snow. When semis are pulled off the road because of bad conditions you would think that regular drivers would slow down and give others plenty of room. It is the little cars that think if they are going just fine that they won't spin out and make a 50 car pile up, now really people.

Okay back on point my celiac. I went with some friends the other day for again sushi. For right now I find sushi is probably one of the easiest things to find in a restaurant for me to eat. Everything is fresh, there isn't too much wheat and all of the sauces that it comes with, you usually can ask for it on the side or delete from the meal altogether if you find out it has wheat.

So when we arrived at the restaurant I immediately said do you have a gluten free menu. Sometimes I feel, what is the word "weird" doesn't cover it, "disabled", not really, "embarrassed" sort of but not right on. It just seems strange to ask for a GF menu and especially when they are extremely busy. Luckily we went for a late lunch and there was hardly anyone in the restaurant so the help was way accommodating. He immediately brought the menu and then we discussed soy sauce, he said they had some gluten free soy sauce and would bring it out.

When he came out he had to excuse himself that he had to run down the street to the store to buy me some soy sauce. I had to laugh, how many restaurants would actually do that for you, especially for one loony broad (do they really say broad anymore), sorry to all of those women activist, I meant loony woman.

Then because it was my friend's birthday, he brought out a beautiful piece of bread pudding and said because I couldn't eat the dessert the restaurant was willing to pay for my sushi roll. Now do you just have to laugh.

10 years ago when celiac disease was just being realized in the medical community little alone in restaurants if at all, they wouldn't have given you the time of day.

I have decided that I was born in the right time and that things do happen for a reason. If I could change anything for anyone in my future regarding this disease it would be that every product would have on the front of the label, not on the back (what a hassle) to indicate in big abbreviated letters GF, or DF for diary free, or SF for soy free, or NF for nut free. Now truly people how hard is that. And that every restaurant would have a gluten free menu so that individuals know safely what to order.

SOME DAY

RECOVERY

Have you ever thought if you stand really still the wind won't touch you, surprise it still does. At that point when it hits you, instead of falling on your face you need to let loose and fly with it.

Once I started to try to eat gluten free I forgot my other diet from the gastritis (i.e. low fat, no fiber, no raw vegetables or fruits). It's a little hard to keep track of everything I can't eat when I am standing in a restaurant or grocery store.

Again I have to say these problems that I have, are nothing that what other people have. I once had a diabetic husband that drove me crazy because he insisted on eating everything that was bad for him. Of course diabetes I think is worse than what I have, mainly because I don't have to take shots every day, I can have some sweets, just not all sweets. I have to continually remind myself that if I stick with this diet, 1) it will make me feel better, 2) it will allow me to live longer, and 3) it will hopefully stop any other bad disease that could come my way, such as cancer.

It's when I am feeling pretty good I think I can have anything I want, and then I feel like I am back at square one. I really need to concentrate on what is best for me.

Can you hear me constantly talking to myself. I can't even imagine giving up a bad habit. I can't give up chocolate can you imagine me being a drug head. I would be lost for sure. So in that respect I admire anyone that can give up a bad habit little alone stay on a diet even if they are being forced on it by a disease.

I JUST HAVE TO LAUGH

Okay one of the things you find out about CD is that some people can become diabetic because the one thing that isn't excluded from their diet is sugar. Once you know the candy you desire doesn't have wheat in it, you desire it even more. Depression will set in and that is the comfort food for your mood. Of course doctors warn against this, and I guess I will warn against it too, but I would be lying.

In the last two weeks I find myself graviting to safety foods. I know I can have corn. It's not perfect for my gastritis, but it's not totally bad. I also know I can have caramel. Can you see where this is going? Breakfast on a couple of days has been caramel popcorn balls.

Okay so I am going to die of a blown up diabetic stomach.

One of the frustrations of cooking GF is that for some reason some GF chefs think that if a normal chicken entrée didn't have flour it in the first place, they can throw it in the list of GF cooking recipes. Now truly do we really need to know that a chicken doesn't have flour in it. Maybe I have been cooking way too long to know that some common sense says that all meat doesn't have flour in it. Now maybe the sauces on the meat might have wheat in it and needs to be pointed out, but if the recipe didn't originally have wheat in it, don't bother putting in it the GF recipe.

What a CD would love is those recipes that are totally into wheat and how to substitute‼‼

COOKING JUST ONE MEAL

Okay I appreciate that I am going to have to change my whole way of cooking, but when I got home last night, I thought I am going to attempt spaghetti. Now my husband loves spaghetti. So I picked up some gluten free spaghetti sauce, some rice noodles, I had some hamburger and mushrooms to add.

I cooked the spaghetti exactly to the instructions on the box. I have read in several spots, NOT TO OVER COOK, so as soon as I thought it was barely done, I took them off ran them through some water, and it looked like rice had returned. The noodles fell apart. Back to square one again.

But my daughter, as sweet as she is, heard there is a cooking class for gluten free victims at our local high school. So off we go to learn a whole new way of cooking.

DAY TO DAY

Today feeling good in my own skin until… I came to work when a friend of mine said to me, "you know my sister looks on the web at each individual restaurant to see what is in the ingredients of each item before they eat out." So I decided to do that. A week prior I had gone with my kids and grandkids to McDonalds. I thought how safe could it be if I just eat french fries and the grilled breast of chicken.

So what do I find, both of them have wheat on it. I was so irritated. I wonder if there will be a day where I just say to H--- with it, I will just be careful, but not overly weary about having wheat in my life. One step forward, five steps back.

THE GRAVEYARD

I am not sure if it would have been better becoming CD when you are young or old. When you are young you realize all the food your friends have that you wish you could have, or when you are old you realize all the good food you have had all of your life and now can't have.

Okay I will again say I can survive with all of these problems including CD, but I am increasingly making a list of those products that I love which will never cross my lips again. Let me share them with you. I know this is kind of a negative on a positive but somebody's got to make it. So goodbye forever:

Donuts, not just any donuts, but Banbury Cross donuts.
Cakes, not just any cakes, but cakes from Vancouver's True Confections
Pies that you have every Thanksgiving.
Chinese buns from New Town Bakery in Vancouver's Chinatown.
Breads from Volkers in Kamas
Breadsticks from my daughter
Hot dogs on the 4th of July from your favorite picnic.
Birthday cakes from Beau Brummels
Just picking up something wooey gooey local grocery store's pastries.
Picking up a local pizza on the spur of the moment.
Mother's Frosted Animal Crackers
Hostess Donuts
Shrimp and Macaroni salad
Green Salads

SAD‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼‼

BAKING THE REAL THING

I am one of those cooks that believes if something is unusual on the recipe, just don't do the recipe. It might be the best recipe ever, but if I have to buy some weird ingredient that I may not use again, it is not worth it. So what do I find myself buying now that I have CD, every strange flour under the sun plus gum of different sorts. I am not a chef, but I am bound and determined that some things aren't going to beat me. I will probably just give up and use Pamela's or some other sort of mainstream GF flour to buy so that I don't need to worry about mixing 7 kinds of flours to get the taste desired.

I did however buy 10 different kinds of flour, rice this, rice that, potato this, potato that. Hopefully in 10 years I will know how they all work and why I am loving them.

EATING OUT

My first couple of experiences were rough. I made it through, maybe not to my liking, but I did it. I had read that the Outback had a gluten free menu, so guess where the hubby and I went to. It was refreshing to find not only did they have a menu, but the waiters were experienced enough in the subject to make a customer happy. They were gracious and not defensive about it. It did make me feel like I can maybe not conquer this disease, but live with it.

Also with the gastritis problem, I saw the look on my husband's face when I was finished after about 5 bites of my steak, I ate half of my vegetables since I couldn't eat the broccoli, and I shouldn't, but I did eat all of my baked potato, and he just looked at me like we just paid for how much you didn't eat. I have turned into a bird eater. It is sad. But heaven came my way when we had ordered the dessert. It was their brownie sunday. It was so good. I knew at that point there must be a god. Not only did it give me hope to eat out, but gave me hope that there are good pastries, I just have to find them.

My husband and I went out to dinner a couple of nights later and I had taken some advice from a blog, to call beforehand to make sure they have a GF menu. The host indicated that his wife was the chef and she was CD and encourages people to come to the restaurant that are CD. It took a 10 minute conversation on the phone and it made me feel better about it.

It's going to be those restaurants that we just drop into that I am unsure how they are going to react or how I am going to function, but we are going to do it.

NOT FOR DISCUSSION

My husband has a good soul, but not a lot of common sense. I am finding out a lot of men have the same issue. He came home one night so proud of himself that he was trying to help me, he had purchased 10 candy bars for $10. I soon told him "honey look at the label." Not bad, 4 of out of 10 candy bars I could have.

We went out to dinner and he asked should we get the crab stuffed shrimp appetizers. I immediately said "stuffed means bread, no go."

Every time I have to say "I can't have it," I quickly get irritated first that I really can't have it, but more importantly that I have to say that statement in the first place. For some reason that statement seems to allude into a conversation if not an argument especially in my own head. It's tiring for me to say I can't have it. Can you imagine for the people closest to you how irritating it is to continually hear that statement.

The thing I have got mad about the most, is walking into a store and seeing not what I can have, but what I can't have. The comment out of each person that I have told, is "think of all the things you can have." That is so easier said than done.

A boss of mine told me after finding that her son has crone's disease, that she thought his body already knew from the way he ate that he had crones. Through his life, he acknowledged certain foods he just really didn't like, not that he felt sick with them, but that he just didn't like them. To find out those things he didn't like were already eliminated from the crone's diet. So when I was diagnosed I thought of all the things I really didn't like in my past. I really didn't like pasta, bread, or even pizza. I had a hard time drinking certain hard liquors. I never really liked fried foods. I had a hard time eating certain really gasey vegetables or fruits. Those things I really don't like and didn't mind continuing to give them up. It was the occasional bakery cake, or the breakfast pastry that I loved. It was the sauces that had flour in them. It was the cream soup that I loved, that throws my stomach into a screaming pain. The girl scout cookies that everyone dies for once a year. The christmas cakes and cookies I will yearn for.

I know I can probably make most of everything that I do desire with special flour, it is the hassle of not just walking through a bakery and picking up what you want. I will just have to say "no."