A Reprieve

I took it really personal that I wouldn't be able to cook or bake again on a normal basis when I started this. I was going to conquer my fears and I was going to accomplish baking like no other. Everything was going to taste great and maybe even better than normal cooking and baking.

In the last several months I have tried several things, some have turned out and some haven't. I have turned down parties to go to because I knew they wouldn't have anything there for me to eat. I have avoided certain restaurants because I knew it was going to be a bigger trial than I wished. Almost every weekend I have tried to take the task of baking something, usually two of the same item, to taste test on. I have eliminated a lot and still I feel I have just nicked the tip of the iceberg in dealing with my eating.

This weekend came and I really had to take the time and effort to talk myself out of baking anything. It took me 50 years to even learn how to cook or bake something on a normal basis descent enough to eat, and now I have to change everything that I learned and redo it. Of course the usual baking principles apply, it is just the ingredients and what it is going to turn out and taste like in the end. Someone told me that it wouldn't be such a drive, if you knew you could do it and there was no determination of achieving normalcy all over again.

I had lost about 20 lbs when I had to go on the diet for my stomach and liver, prior to my CD issues. Since trying to gain that normalcy I was eating a lot of baked goods with who knows how much sugar were in each one. My pants were feeling a little tight.

So this weekend came and since I had no company to cook for I tried to play the rainy weekend, slow, no clean, no cook, no get dressed, no do anything weekend. So I read my book, watched movies with my husband, did a little yard work and tried to not think, I could be in the kitchen trying to make "normalcy".

I am still reading recipes and staying in the mind set, but I had to have a reprieve from my diet. I wonder if I will ever feel that normalcy again.