A Mother Suffering In Silence

Mother's Day is just days away and every year so many mothers dread the day. You ask why, children come with gifts, media outwardly celebrate, husbands may or may not bring flowers, so you ask why? Celebrating mothers do not give us a relief of the great accomplishments we have, it gives us a reminder of those things that we haven't done, the insecurities of what we should have done, and what the future may hold for what will need to be done.

My sweet daughter that is basically just starting out in life has realized that maybe even though I look pretty happy every day I have had my share of anxiety, depression, and uncertainties in life. There is happiness in all of us if we look deep enough especially when we are low. When it comes to Mother's Day it reminds us of those moments that may have not made ourselves or our family happy.

My son is about to go into the Army on Mother's Day, how apropos, seriously. I am so happy that he has found something that he wants to make a career out of. There is never a question of the happiness a mother feels when a child realizes his potential, but in the same way you fear the things he should be afraid for. Knowing he is going into an area that won't be hostile still does not give me peace of mind, what about boot camp, what about the men around him, what about all the unknowns. That is what a Mom truly thinks about, not the temporary or long term happiness he might find.

My daughter is going through the struggles of marriage, her future and just basic life. I see so much potential, and things that she can't or won't see. What is that Moms say, it was bad enough that I went through life and the trials it had to offer, little alone the life my children are going through. You cry doubly hard when your child is crying, you fear when your child is uncertain, you pray harder when your child is feeling pain.

My other daughter in spite of having the best four children in the world, that can't be a grandmother talking, still has financial, medical, spiritual and physical problems. I use to say when my kids are on their own, then they can worry about their own problems, their children problems and I can take a rest. You don't, again you worry twice or three times as hard.

As a mother, grandmother, and wife, you hold so much back because to convey these fears to your children, just exasperates their fears, a mother wouldn't do that. So you hold so much in silence and hope that life treats them better than it did to you. That even though you may be the happiest you have ever been, it still allows the past to creep in of your own memories of growing.

A good friend told me the other day, "a mother's happiness is as happy as your saddest child." It is so true.

This does sound like the saddest Mother's Day tribute, but in reality sometimes things needs to be said so those around you can relate and feel that they aren't the only ones that feel this way.

I do hope that Mother's Day will be good this year. I do hope those mothers including my own daughters will be happier than I am anticipating and if not we can commiserate together. Cheers to womanhood and mothers.

Tauting Your Love

I have never been one for tauting my love for my husband, especially on our anniversary, it seems so cheesy when I read of someone doing that, isn't that sort of private, I don't know, I'm old fashioned.  I remember my mom and dad's anniversary, which I think it is sort of odd too.  Why would I remember something that they celebrate, maybe because I had parents that stayed married unlike I.  Well since no one really reads this blog, I guess it is sort of personal, even the hubby won't read this blog.  I will be dead and buried and someone will find this and read it and say, "that is what grandma... really felt about all these issues."  Dah maybe if you had been hearing me all of these years you wouldn't be surprised. 

Well just so you know it is my wedding anniversary, I don't even know which one it is, maybe 15th or 16th, to the third husband.  I guess the other two don't count since I did divorce them, shouldn't you celebrate the divorced dates, that should be a happy moment in my life, but I don't.  Happy Wedding Anniversary, hubby.  See no one replied back honey, it really is between me and me. 

The funny thing though I went to work and told them we were going away for our Wedding Anniversary and we started analyzing husbands of how they are today versus years in the past and what do we really look forward to.  When you are first married you beg, plead, argue and disagree with your husband of what his true calling is in this relationship.  Picking up a few dishes would be nice, vacuuming, what a concept, do we have it for laundry duty for the husband, we do until he shrinks all of your work clothes and you realize your dry cleaning bill is better for your sanity.

If only our daughters and younger sisters realize that this is a growing process.  You can't revamp any husband over night, so after many days, weeks and months of arguing, they start changing.  You hope they change for the better of the relationship, not the worse.  Now after many years of being together you think it would get better, yes it does get better, but worse in many other ways.  Now my husband would say it, "I only think of you."  Now I have told him many times, he is definitely not thinking of me, in fact I can say he is actually lying.  For whose benefit you ask, for his.  Now he is helping out with the dishes, when he wants to, he does vacuum when he would rather take that task then hear me yell, and he does do laundry because I refuse to do it.  Grudgingly.  Now seriously, am I going to split hairs here.  Take the help I get (grudgingly), or don't.  Hmmmmmmmm that one is a tough decision. 

Would he say something else if he was writing this, dah of course, grudging comes hand and hand with yelling.  I yell, he grudges, I yell, he grudges, on and on and on.  That is what they call a marriage. 

I will say one thing for my wonderful (but grudging husband), since I got sick, my husband has been so much more helpful and loving.  He has tried to help even in a grudging voice, which when you really think about it isn't his fault, he is a husband. So what I say to all of those newbie wives, just accept the grudging, its better than nothing at all. 

Happy Wedding Anniversary, to my husband!!!!

Happy Regrets of a Good Friend

I have a friend that died the other day at the age of 90.  The older I get the younger 90 seems.  I was lucky to see her after many years on her birthday.  When I went to her birthday party I was so astonished that not very many people showed up for it.  So many people in my own workplace had commented of how she made them laugh and how nice she was.  I thought surely with all these comments that more people would have showed up. 

I realized in going to her funeral that I really didn't know this person at all.  In all the times we sat down to have lunch and talk she never really was proud enough to tout her own achievements to me.  In listening to the speakers' talks I realized also that she was a great listerner and a great problem solver for others.  I soon realized that she didn't take pride in her accomplishments but she was actually helping me to solve my day to day problems in life during those lunchs. 

I felt bad that I hadn't taken the time to know her, to know that she was a great play director, that she knew most of the governors of our fine state by first name, that she traveled the world, that she painted not just a few paintings but a lot of paintings. 

I realized that when you become retired and out of the mainstream of life that people either die off around you, or you are so soon forgotten. She touched so many people's lives in so many ways and even though she had been pretty much housebound for many years, those people that were still alive didn't feel it sufficient to attend her funeral.  It was very sad. 

The funeral was beautiful, the music was the best I had ever heard in a funeral. The talks were well played out.  I couldn't feel sad for losing her though.  For some reason I knew her, like the talks stated, with a mischievous twinkle in her eye and a joke at every turn.  I felt, like her son said, don't be sad or cry for her because she would have rather passed with a joke and have you laughing.  I don't think I have ever gone to a funeral and smiling through the entire thing.  It was a good day for her and me. 

Was I good friend to her, probably not, but I allowed her to be my friend and part of my memories and that was good for me. Thank you dear friend. 

ENTITLEMENT

I have to laugh when I think of that word, is it a good word or a bad word.  I am not quite sure, but I will tell you when you live in a semi-wealthy tourist city, you realize that people who have been raised with the silver spoon in their mouth or anyone near them think they are entitled. 

The other day I was driving up through the canyon to go home, it is snowy, dark and cold and I come across this car that had no back lights on.  So I do my thing, honk, flash the brights, turn on my turn signal and this goes on for several miles.  Finally after trying to juggle the snow myself and winding down the window several times, I get their attention and pull the car over.  I realize they are from out of town in a rental car with the license plate of Montana, if you don't know how to run your car in the snow, I doubt they are from Montana.  Now am I really thinking of anyone else other than their safety at this point, no. 

When I finally get to talk to them, I say "your back lights are not on,"  and the lady passenger said, "oh we know, we have been trying to find out how to turn them on."  Now seriously, if you know you have a problem on problem roads wouldn't you be thinking not of your own inconvenience but those people on the road that you are endangering, get off and figure it out. 

Soon thereafter my son that lives in this same town with us puts on his facebook, that he almost killed someone that was out jogging in the dark snowy morning not on the sidewalk, not off the side of the road, but in the middle of the road without any colored warning clothing. 

Now people, even if you have all the money in the world and could probably fix whatever problem that you can create, and you feel entitled to do so, think of other people other than yourself. 

The freeway is like a whole new truth in how people really are.  If you can't drive down a huge freeway from a mountain resort town, you shouldn't be here.  I am driving to work, again in the dark, cold and snowy morning, at 75 mph (yes I was speeding) and come across a car just past a main entrance to the freeway.  I realize his dome light is on, I don't think anything of it so I really don't take the time to think is this guy doing anything wrong.  When I come up to his driver door, I realize the dome light is for his convenience so he can read a book, no not a map, no not texting like we complain all these texters are doing, he is reading a full on book.  At that point I said I should have taken the time to do something about this, who knows who will endanger going at that speed. 

We have been living in this town for 10 years, love it, love the atmosphere, but just like that word Entitlement, Atmosphere can also have a demeaning connotation.  You can sit on your deck and enjoy the view and atmosphere or you can go to town and deal with atmosphere of those that think they are entitled.  Even if you can afford the wreck you might create more emotional and phsycial damage than anyone can ever afford.  

P.S.  If I am going to juggle snow with idiots, I am going to start taking pictures of the license plate and posting them and their idiot ways.   Be looking for future pictures. 

GROWING UP

They just announced that Hostess is liquidating.  My first temptation was to go to the nearest store and buy up everything that I possibly could get in my freezer and hoard!!!!  No more Ding Dongs, no more Twinkies, no more cupcakes, no more donuts for breakfast. 

Now if you have had anything to do with my blog you will realize that I have Celiac disease.  Someone with this disease should know better.  But if you will recall in one of my first blogs, I listed everything off that I would miss and one of them was having a diet coke and hostess donut in the morning.  Yes I did cut back when the doctor said no more, but for some reason I felt the need about every week at least once to have some of those coconut cinnamon donuts on my way to work along with my diet Coke/Pepsi straight out of the machine.  It usually didn't make me happy in the end, but it was great going down. 

I sometimes hate corporate America, it takes the childhood out of all of us.  I remember when Tab went off the market, everyone was buying them as fast they could and it was sad day when your last can was drank. 

I saw a news real on Bevin Bros. who are the bell making company out of Belltown, Connecticut that supplies all of us with small to large bells each year for Christmas.  They are the ones that have been supplying bells to the Salvation Army for years.  They have been in business for 130 years.  They were hit by lightening this last year and the whole factory went up in flames.  Now Matt Bevin said on this that he would never seize to give up making bells and still has some of the employees working for him in makeshift factory to supply those bells this year.  You hear these stories of how a President of a company losing money would rather cut back certain benefits or money to keep his employees employed.

I am sure there is a lot more to this story than just keeping people employed, the greed of many will take down everything.  I defended against the Canadians of how many chemicals and preservatives were in them.  I didn't care as long as it preserved not just my body, but my childhood.

I think of my obsession of peeling food came from Hostess.  I would slowly take the frosting of the cupcake off.  Slowly eat the cake to finally getting to the cream and then eat the frosting up to the white curlycues and then finish it off in eating them last.  The Ding Dongs weren't just ate quickly, it was slowly peeled hopefully in large chucks of chocolate and then I would eat the cake and then finish it off eating the chocolate.  The pies were only purchased for a treat when I went on field trips, no more field trips.  The Twinkies what can you say about a Twinkie other than every child ate them and I even made a wedding cake out of them for my daughter's husband.  And of course the best for last, everyone was raised on the Hostess white bread.  It was soft and the taste lingered while it stuck to your teeth.     

I am sad and I don't want Hostess' grownups to make stupid decisions to offend your memories. 

The People Behind Me

For years now I have wondered about my genealogy.  I am not into investigating my history with names and dates, but more along the lines of actual stories.  I talked with my family members in somewhat detail in trying to get something out of them.  For some reason ITS A BIG SECRET.  I know this sounds stupid but it is almost like pulling teeth when you ask about it.  They make you feel that they did the work, so now you need to.  NOT. 

So after a few discussions I decided to get on Ancestry.com.  I was curious and no one was going to ease that curiosity other than me.  As soon as I started entering in names, other names and information started popping up.  I couldn't go fast enough.  I didn't have enough time in the day.  I realized that someone had to put this information in beyond me, cause all I was doing was linking people to information that was already put in.  I had not done any research. 

A friend of mine was doing her genealogy at the same time I was and so we would compare notes periodically.  She would look at me with forelorn (do you like that word, it reminds of days gone past).  She had not found even close to the links I had.  I really have to contribute my genealogy to those individuals somewhere in the tree that had done their research and had put a lot of information in some database.  Beyond those individuals I am sure there are institutions, historians, and religions that have inputted information of what they have in their deep dark chasms.

Yes I will be the one that lets out the information to anyone that wants to know, I am a g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-daughter of Henry VIII.  I know it is hard to believe. I am also a decedent of all the kings and queens from every country possible in Europe from Denmark, Sweden to Turkey.  I am also a decedent of the pilot and doctor of the Mayflower.  I even found my way all the way to Adam and Eve (twice), now I don't know where you came from, at least I know I came from Adam and Eve.  It's these kinds of stories that intrigue me. 

It was hard to comprehend this entire thing when so many names came up.  I will never know all of their stories.  I will never understand how I was the great something grand daughter of a king, and now I am a pauper.  I don't even get that concept.

I have to laugh sometimes when I will see a private ancestry line and you have to email them to ask for information.  The one time I did that they sent me information I did not know about my own grandmother.  You feel so personally offended when someone has information about your own grandmother that you don't have, but then you realize that if my grandmother had 12 children (10 lived) with how many of them had 4-10 children and how many of them had 4-10, there is a lot of people that you are related to right now living that you don't even know. When you think of it in that way, this world seems so small and so large at the same time. 

Now since I know my ancestry is linked with so many known individuals, I look at history in a whole different way. 

I am so grateful to so many that really did this research, and that enjoyed sharing.  That is what Ancestry.Com is all about or any other genealogy site, is sharing.

Naive Perspective

This last year has taken a toll not only on my body, but also on my mind.  In sitting around in pain, I think what is important to me, what can I live without, what can I leave behind.  I sort of started with the basics because that was the thing that was most evident.  Is it really necessary to clean that room this weekend?  Is it really necessary to take that trip?  Do I really want to do that activity when I can make more memories doing this?  I got a quick jolt of this during this last weekend's events. 

This year has been one of the worst dry years we have had.  Anything could ignite a fire because everywhere there is dry grass and dry weeds.  This state has had many fires from small ones to extreme large ones. 

In the middle of a visit from my daughters and their kids this Saturday, we were just having lunch and we looked up and noticed there was smoke across the lake in the brush.  So we sat there for a minute and watched the smoke turn into a full on forest fire. 

After talking with my husband he said "oh that fire won't get out of control, they will have it put it out before it reaches us."  Well when the flames started getting higher and higher I soon realized that it was better to be prepared than sorry.  I had to quickly analyze what was important to me to pack up and get out.  So I jumped up and started hauling things out to the car.  With the great help of daughters and an hour later most of the car was packed with only my memories.  All my photos and journals, were put safe in a car that I could drive off.  I thought how do these people do it when they only have 5 min.

Somewhere in the act of  the three of us flying all over the house, my grandboys said grandma we need to get the baby pictures out of the house.  Well the baby photos can be reproduced by their moms, but I saw in their eyes this great concern that their memories would be wiped out by the fire as well. 

The last thing to get in my car was a Russian stacking doll that I had received from a friend a couple years back.  My grandson came up to me and said "you can't forget this," it is his favorite toy.  I soon realized that it wasn't just my memories that I was concerned about it was the good memories that my grandkids would lose if the fire came close. 

My daughter the next day was relaying memories that she had at her grandparents house, of the good things that each grandmother made for food or the things she remembers of her grandfathers.  She asked "mom what do you think my kids will remember after you have passed."  She started relaying the waffles and berry syrup that I make every time my grandkids show up at the house or the Jacuzzi that my husband lets the kids get into on every visit. 

In thinking of the day before, I thought the reason why three women were running through the house was to save the memories I would cry over if I lost them in a fire. The memories weren't just for me, but the memories I could pass onto my kids and to their kids.  That the Russian doll would be replaced by a photo or a journal of their grandmother that made them waffles and berry syrup. Grandkids always put it in perspective.